It's Christmas Day and I'm stressed as fuck
'cos all of the dinner I've still to cook
the bastard turkey just won't defrost
the plot's disappeared, completely lost
it's been in the sink and under the tap
the giblets are out and are staring back
it's as hard as fuck, as hard as ice
so it's into the garage to use the vice
grabbing the saw with my hand
feeling the urge of my inner caveman
sawing through the legs, then the wings
feeling the smug satisfaction it brings
grabbing my trusty hammer and chisel
to smash the breast bone and sinewy gristle
the battle is won, I hold it aloft
but realise the fucker still is not soft
back to the kitchen for a quick wash
cram it in the microwave, beep, beep, bosh.
relax for a minute, glug some wine
shouting at the turkey 'yer fucking swine'
whilst watching the bastard slowly revolve
hoping the problems soon resolved
as I tap my fingers, my face is a frown
slug more wine and quickly sit down
waiting for the microwave to finally ding
and hope it defrosted the fucking thing
'cos in 3 hours time the family arrive
drink more wine to help me survive
some of the bastard is still rock hard
and other bits are completely charred
as part of it has started to cook
the turkey is now completely fucked
the best place for it is in the bin
so I lift up the lid and slide it in
raise my glass and have another drink
then another whilst I think
just one more to lament the roast
dinners sorted, it's beans on toast.
