here is the thing;
i don’t think
you can ever stop loving him.
you can shove him down
some abandoned corner of your heart
until he is covered
with new memories
and
new people
but you will not ever
stop loving him.
you will definitely move forward
and grow
and change,
but it doesn’t ever stop,
this feeling.
and when you see him
months from now,
all dressed up in gear
and wearing a jersey
that makes him look like
a big deal,
when he smiles
in that easy way
and talks to someone near you,
your stomach will still
trip over itself.
you’d feel this sickness
travel through your nerves;
this
“i don’t want to ever see you again”
sickness.
this
“i still fucking love you”
sickness.
your hands will still want to
reach out and mess up his shirt.
fix that little strand of hair
that you always used to -
and it would irritate him.
“don’t touch my hair!”
he use to say.
and you’d reminisce
the memory
and find yourself smiling.
and then you’d wonder
why your smiling;
this wondering
will tear you up
because didn’t you spend months
burying these memories deep inside?
did those months
of effort
just fall apart
in a matter of a few seconds?
yes.
yes they did.
yes they will.
you’ll find yourself back to square one.
or maybe you won’t.
oh god damn
you’re lucky if you don’t.
but you will stand there
wondering why.
why it didn’t work.
why it couldn’t now.
oh, god.
no, you’re never going to stop loving him. your heart just
doesn’t know how.
