Neither of us believe in religion
We do not pray or beg for forgiveness
We do not seek penance in times of fault
We do not kneel at a pew and plead to someone whose existence we doubt
We wouldn’t dare confess our sins to a strange man in a cloak
But we do believe in a higher power
Even if we are never sure what it is
I longed to find something to believe in -
To cherish and to hold
To pray for and to love
I went back to Sunday church
I listened to the preacher
I tried to understand
But as I stood to pray
I was 12 years old again
I prayed for the right reasons then
I am 19 now
Scared and vulnerable
And I stood there -
Venerating my own God
It felt nice.
The ceremony closes and the chorus plays a faint tune
I walk to the back of the church, awaiting the priest behind closed doors
I put my guard down
A vulnerable thing
Asking for forgiveness while feeling no regret
Begging for mercy while receiving satisfaction
For the one thing you honestly desire
Speak the things you don’t dare say aloud
Tell me what you’ve done wrong, my child -
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
“My lover is my ambition.”
I’d like to seek penance
But I cannot promise I’ll stop
Tell me the prayer I shall say
A Hail Mary or an Our Father?
I promise I’ll obey
It was all a lie
The words I expressed to the holy man behind a wall
But I closed my eyes
Stuck my arms through the anonymous screen
You know what I’ve done, Father
You know I have sinned -
Are you going to wipe me clean?
Cut my dirty fingers with the thorns of the bouquet
I’m here to praise on the behalf of my lover
It’s not who you think
Will that be okay?
Please, father, let me look to the sky
Let my body become sweaty as I disobey tradition
I’ll let my legs tremble as I bend down into the pew
Who knew I’d be on my knees?
Obeying my religion
Who knew I’d condemn myself - no need for convincing?
Pure ease
It’s a sacrificial thing
Giving yourself to such a love
This is confidential, right?
“Yes,” he whispers, “let your thoughts be.”
Then let me tell you our story -
We met in the spring.
I was never religious
Until I met you
My spirit sings as I feel the warmth of your soul
Allow me to hear the crack of your bones
Do you hear me calling your name?
I’m screaming for you to love me
Make me whole
Tell the choir to turn the page
Queue the violin
Release the sound of the pipe organ
I begin to shake
My existence is a sin
But I cannot stop
Watch me cry as I praise thee
My legs quiver - followed by a drop
I found my way back to the church
Allow me to kneel beneath your feet as I am baptized anew
Drown me in the water and make me see the light
Stand in front of me
Let me kiss your head
I am walking up the aisle
Soaking wet
But my renewal is for you
I don’t hold any regret
Admiring the altar and the stain glass tile
I approach you gently
As you softly break the bread
Staring intently
Shush, baby -
Your body melts in my mouth
“Amen,” I say.
You eat me next
Does it taste good?
And just as your flesh melts away on my tongue
And mine on yours
We walk away from the church we swore against
Why did we even go back?
It wasn’t to find our peace in the Lord
For a moment, the answer unknown
But we ran through the back doors of that sacred building
Our reasoning now shown
We worshipped a love
And that was enough
Evidently, you are my God
And I am your child
And on the 7th day,
We could finally rest
All creation complete
My body tucked in yours
The only love I’ve ever known
Every corner of your skin
You will never be alone
Just never stray away from your religion again
You shall only hold it up to the light
Admire its beauty
And let it be shown
Don’t you dare dismiss your own domination
Sleep with satan
Betray this foundation
Just get in the car and drive far, far away
If it’s you in the end, I will always stay
So let me hold you now, baby
Let me admire every branch of your soul
Every corner that’s forbidden
I will press my lips onto your flesh
I will make you whole.
Know that I am yours -
For I have found my religion
But he never embraced his.
She never went back to church.
She stopped believing.
But oh,
How she wishes to be holy again.
