When she was 9 years old she never thought about what she ate
She didn’t stay awake at night wondering why
She didn’t hide her body, she was not yet shy
She didn’t hate herself for how much she consumed in a day
She didn’t know, that in seven short years, she’d make her body decay
She just fell asleep without a worry in the world
With no idea what was to come
She was just a little girl
When she was 13 years old she could tell her body was different
But she didn’t think much of it, she didn’t understand
Soon she’d realize that was simply just ignorant
Her friends all 90 pounds or less, it was damaging for a young girl, nonetheless
You’re insecure, my darling, but you have no idea yet
That in 3 years you’ll become numb
And the sight of yourself will kill you
But you’re not hungry, you tell yourself, you just need a piece of gum
Sip on your Diet Coke, grab your wrists as they grow smaller
All dressing rooms become your biggest rival
And it all happens so very fast
You are so far in, you accept your slim chance of survival
It will sicken you to even consider wearing a swimsuit
How sad that she had to force herself to even eat a piece of fruit?
It’s when she started to keep track
That her life crumbled in front of her eyes
That innocent 13 year old body she soon learned to despise
After a look in the mirror, she knew her next step
Not a meal for three days
There’s not a gap in your thighs
She learned to motivate herself through her own lies
I don’t care if I’m hungry - I care about my size
She was a walking zombie, you could see it in her eyes
The weight went faster than she ever expected
5
10
20
The numbers dropped so quickly
A look in the mirror was all it took
She saw her 13 year old self again, no change or satisfaction
She tells herself it’s not that serious, it’s just a distraction
But she knows she feels prettier when she’s starving
And that she didn’t expect such a severe reaction
But one day she realized how sick she truly was
It was all so overwhelming
This sickness is fucking compelling
Therapy will help you, please baby, you must talk about what you feel
But it didn’t help her at all and she continued the same routine
She was a cry for help but refused to be seen
You feel better when you don’t eat
You feel pretty when you can see your bones
You feel satisfied when you’re starving
All these thoughts consuming her while she knew she was dying
Her energy at an all time low
It didn’t matter at all
She felt so fucking empty
But so big in the reflection
She cared about how she looked
No matter what it took
It’s fucked up, I know, but she was hooked
She started to “recover” and those around her smiled
They looked her up and down
Hoped she felt a sense of revival
Why did they have to make those comments?
“You look healthy, baby”
“You look so much better”
“Are you eating again?”
I was.
She’s tired of riding this carousel.
She wants to get off,
But always seems to creep back on the ride.
She’s not sure why she can’t stop going in circles.
She wishes she knew.
