my mom told me i wasn’t good enough, that ruined me.
i needed to be tough, that ruined my childhood
i was told it didn’t matter if i understood.
and the emotional abuse left me shattered.
i think, “well it couldn’t get worse.”
the attempt that didn’t work, ruined me.
maybe i’m ruining myself.
or maybe i just need help.
but i don’t want people to think i’m weak.
when i try to speak, it’s like there’s a hand over my mouth, and if one word comes out, i’ve ruined something else.
everything gets ruined in one way or another.
sometimes it’s completely out of my hands, and sometimes i choose to expand the sting of the things that ruin me.
mainly because i’m not use to things working out.
and the pain is comforting.
so i’ll continue to self sabotage, until it takes me under, and there’s no innocence left, to say i surrender.
